eighty-five

14:34:41

I'm sleepless in Beirut.

The list could go on and on:

• -       180-190 cm
• -       182cm being ideal
• -       dark hair
• -       charming looks
• -       or rather tall dark and handsome
• -       has good teeth
• -       makes me laugh
• -       makes me giggle
• -       can carry a conversation easily beyond vapid Lina’s over coffee over cigar chit-chat
• -       reciprocates witty word play
• -       chews with his mouth closed
• -       or scratch his crotch in public
• -       or wear flashy jewelry
• -       or over-sized logos
• -       isn’t arrogant
• -       isn’t cocky
• -       isn’t obnoxious
• -       stands up against queue-jumpers and injustice
• -       doesn’t accept the use of the word “srilankiyeh”
• -       never says “I’m bored”
• -       and never is
• -       surprises me
• -       smells of my-kind-of pheromones
• -       has a knee-buckling voice
• -       has great hairy forearms
• -       holds me like only a tailored suit can
• -       makes love like a love-maker
• -       balances me out
• -       doesn’t weigh me down
• -       lifts me up
• -       and spins me

But in the end, do some of the things mentioned above really matter? Have I over-designed my ideal man?

My girlfriend swears by chemistry, and I get that, I really do, but with each potential bachelor shot down like a human rights act, I arm myself with an “I will never date a…”

• -      guy who’s shorter than me
• -       who’s too tall
• -       who’s too rich
• -       who’s too poor
• -       who has a fancy car
• -       who has no car
• -       who’s a lawyer
• -       who’s a bartender
• -       who’s jobless
• -       who can’t spell properly
• -       who corrects me constantly
• -       who is married
• -       who doesn’t want kids
• -       who’s too young
• -       who’s too old
• -       who’s too bald
• -       who’s too hairy
• -       who’s too religious
• -       who’s anti-religious
• -       who drives too fast
• -       who drives too slow
• -       who has a one too big
• -       who has a one too small
• -       who’s into politics
• -       who has no opinion
• -       who drinks too much
• -       who doesn’t drink at all
• -       who takes drugs
• -       who lectures everyone about drugs
• -       who has tattoos
• -       who thinks tattoos are wrong
• -       who has dated too many women
• -       who is a virgin
• -       who is divorced
• -       who is going though a divorce
• -       who doesn’t believe in divorce
• -       who looks too much like me
• -       who is the male version of me
• -       who is too stubborn
• -       who lacks a spine
• -       who’s too fat
• -       who’s too skinny
• -       who’s too Arab
• -       who’s too Phoenician
• -       who’s too I’m-a-foreign-passport-holder
• -       who rolls their Rrrrrs
• -       who ghhhhs their Rs
• -       who arrrrghs
• -       who swears
• -       who lies
• -       who has no sense of style

Have I over-designed my ideal man? Maybe a little, but I’m willing to compromise. After all, nobody is perfect, certainly not me.

• Me with daddy issues.
• Me with my perpetual belly cushion.
• Me who can’t read Arabic without pausing.
• Me who doesn’t understand politics.
• Me who can’t remember authors’ names.
• Me who shies away.
• Me who comes on too strong.
• Me who is socially awkward.
• Me who can’t tell jokes.
• Me who sleeps in.
• Me who is never on time.
• Me who eats too slow and walks too fast.
• Me who doesn’t know what to wear.
• Me who ties up her hair.
• Me who is bored.
• Me who is fed up.
• Me who is too judgmental.
• Me who doesn’t like clubbing.
• Me who wants kids.
• Me who doesn’t always stand up for herself.
• Me who can’t cook.
• Me who thinks spending one day of the week cleaning the house is a waste of time.
• Me who wastes time.
• Me who’s lost hope.
• Me who can’t cope
• With stress
• With ignorance
• With lack of etiquette
• With zis and zat.

Fuck lists. Fuck expectations. Fuck it all. I should just go out and fall in love, fall into a cauldron of catalytic chemistry where he is not too this and I’m not too that, and we’re just two broken people that work too well together to be apart.

*

Now where did I put fairy godmother’s business card?