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21.5.12

eighty-five


14:34:41

I'm sleepless in Beirut.

The list could go on and on:
  • -       180-190 cm
  • -       182cm being ideal
  • -       dark hair
  • -       charming looks
  • -       or rather tall dark and handsome
  • -       has good teeth
  • -       makes me laugh
  • -       makes me giggle
  • -       can carry a conversation easily beyond vapid Lina’s over coffee over cigar chit-chat
  • -       reciprocates witty word play
  • -       chews with his mouth closed
  • -       or scratch his crotch in public
  • -       or wear flashy jewelry
  • -       or over-sized logos
  • -       isn’t arrogant
  • -       isn’t cocky
  • -       isn’t obnoxious
  • -       stands up against queue-jumpers and injustice
  • -       doesn’t accept the use of the word “srilankiyeh”
  • -       never says “I’m bored”
  • -       and never is
  • -       surprises me
  • -       smells of my-kind-of pheromones
  • -       has a knee-buckling voice
  • -       has great hairy forearms
  • -       holds me like only a tailored suit can
  • -       makes love like a love-maker
  • -       balances me out
  • -       doesn’t weigh me down
  • -       lifts me up
  • -       and spins me


But in the end, do some of the things mentioned above really matter? Have I over-designed my ideal man?

My girlfriend swears by chemistry, and I get that, I really do, but with each potential bachelor shot down like a human rights act, I arm myself with an “I will never date a…”

  • -      guy who’s shorter than me
  • -       who’s too tall
  • -       who’s too rich
  • -       who’s too poor
  • -       who has a fancy car
  • -       who has no car
  • -       who’s a lawyer
  • -       who’s a bartender
  • -       who’s jobless
  • -       who can’t spell properly
  • -       who corrects me constantly
  • -       who is married
  • -       who doesn’t want kids
  • -       who’s too young
  • -       who’s too old
  • -       who’s too bald
  • -       who’s too hairy
  • -       who’s too religious
  • -       who’s anti-religious
  • -       who drives too fast
  • -       who drives too slow
  • -       who has a one too big
  • -       who has a one too small
  • -       who’s into politics
  • -       who has no opinion
  • -       who drinks too much
  • -       who doesn’t drink at all
  • -       who takes drugs
  • -       who lectures everyone about drugs
  • -       who has tattoos
  • -       who thinks tattoos are wrong
  • -       who has dated too many women
  • -       who is a virgin
  • -       who is divorced
  • -       who is going though a divorce
  • -       who doesn’t believe in divorce
  • -       who looks too much like me
  • -       who is the male version of me
  • -       who is too stubborn
  • -       who lacks a spine
  • -       who’s too fat
  • -       who’s too skinny
  • -       who’s too Arab
  • -       who’s too Phoenician
  • -       who’s too I’m-a-foreign-passport-holder
  • -       who rolls their Rrrrrs
  • -       who ghhhhs their Rs
  • -       who arrrrghs
  • -       who swears
  • -       who lies
  • -       who has no sense of style


Have I over-designed my ideal man? Maybe a little, but I’m willing to compromise. After all, nobody is perfect, certainly not me.

  • Me with daddy issues.
  • Me with my perpetual belly cushion.
  • Me who can’t read Arabic without pausing.
  • Me who doesn’t understand politics.
  • Me who can’t remember authors’ names.
  • Me who shies away.
  • Me who comes on too strong.
  • Me who is socially awkward.
  • Me who can’t tell jokes.
  • Me who sleeps in.
  • Me who is never on time.
  • Me who eats too slow and walks too fast.
  • Me who doesn’t know what to wear.
  • Me who ties up her hair.
  • Me who is bored.
  • Me who is fed up.
  • Me who is too judgmental.
  • Me who doesn’t like clubbing.
  • Me who wants kids.
  • Me who doesn’t always stand up for herself.
  • Me who can’t cook.
  • Me who thinks spending one day of the week cleaning the house is a waste of time.
  • Me who wastes time.
  • Me who’s lost hope.
  • Me who can’t cope
  • With stress
  • With ignorance
  • With lack of etiquette
  • With zis and zat.


Fuck lists. Fuck expectations. Fuck it all. I should just go out and fall in love, fall into a cauldron of catalytic chemistry where he is not too this and I’m not too that, and we’re just two broken people that work too well together to be apart.

*

Now where did I put fairy godmother’s business card?


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