14:34:41
I'm sleepless in Beirut.
The list could go on and on:
- - 180-190 cm
- - 182cm being ideal
- - dark hair
- - charming looks
- - or rather tall dark and handsome
- - has good teeth
- - makes me laugh
- - makes me giggle
- - can carry a conversation easily beyond vapid Lina’s over coffee over cigar chit-chat
- - reciprocates witty word play
- - chews with his mouth closed
- - or scratch his crotch in public
- - or wear flashy jewelry
- - or over-sized logos
- - isn’t arrogant
- - isn’t cocky
- - isn’t obnoxious
- - stands up against queue-jumpers and injustice
- - doesn’t accept the use of the word “srilankiyeh”
- - never says “I’m bored”
- - and never is
- - surprises me
- - smells of my-kind-of pheromones
- - has a knee-buckling voice
- - has great hairy forearms
- - holds me like only a tailored suit can
- - makes love like a love-maker
- - balances me out
- - doesn’t weigh me down
- - lifts me up
- - and spins me
But in the end, do some of the
things mentioned above really matter? Have I over-designed my ideal man?
My girlfriend swears by
chemistry, and I get that, I really do, but with each potential bachelor shot
down like a human rights act, I arm myself with an “I will never date a…”
- - guy who’s shorter than me
- - who’s too tall
- - who’s too rich
- - who’s too poor
- - who has a fancy car
- - who has no car
- - who’s a lawyer
- - who’s a bartender
- - who’s jobless
- - who can’t spell properly
- - who corrects me constantly
- - who is married
- - who doesn’t want kids
- - who’s too young
- - who’s too old
- - who’s too bald
- - who’s too hairy
- - who’s too religious
- - who’s anti-religious
- - who drives too fast
- - who drives too slow
- - who has a one too big
- - who has a one too small
- - who’s into politics
- - who has no opinion
- - who drinks too much
- - who doesn’t drink at all
- - who takes drugs
- - who lectures everyone about drugs
- - who has tattoos
- - who thinks tattoos are wrong
- - who has dated too many women
- - who is a virgin
- - who is divorced
- - who is going though a divorce
- - who doesn’t believe in divorce
- - who looks too much like me
- - who is the male version of me
- - who is too stubborn
- - who lacks a spine
- - who’s too fat
- - who’s too skinny
- - who’s too Arab
- - who’s too Phoenician
- - who’s too I’m-a-foreign-passport-holder
- - who rolls their Rrrrrs
- - who ghhhhs their Rs
- - who arrrrghs
- - who swears
- - who lies
- - who has no sense of style
Have I over-designed my ideal
man? Maybe a little, but I’m willing to compromise. After all, nobody is
perfect, certainly not me.
- Me with daddy issues.
- Me with my perpetual belly cushion.
- Me who can’t read Arabic without pausing.
- Me who doesn’t understand politics.
- Me who can’t remember authors’ names.
- Me who shies away.
- Me who comes on too strong.
- Me who is socially awkward.
- Me who can’t tell jokes.
- Me who sleeps in.
- Me who is never on time.
- Me who eats too slow and walks too fast.
- Me who doesn’t know what to wear.
- Me who ties up her hair.
- Me who is bored.
- Me who is fed up.
- Me who is too judgmental.
- Me who doesn’t like clubbing.
- Me who wants kids.
- Me who doesn’t always stand up for herself.
- Me who can’t cook.
- Me who thinks spending one day of the week cleaning the house is a waste of time.
- Me who wastes time.
- Me who’s lost hope.
- Me who can’t cope
- With stress
- With ignorance
- With lack of etiquette
- With zis and zat.
Fuck lists. Fuck expectations. Fuck
it all. I should just go out and fall in love, fall into a cauldron of
catalytic chemistry where he is not too this and I’m not too that, and we’re
just two broken people that work too well together to be apart.
Now where did I put fairy
godmother’s business card?
